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Jesus
and Moses are playing golf and they are on the 5th hole par 3; 180yds;
water all around.
Jesus takes out his 9 iron and Moses say's to him, "that's not enough club". Jesus say's, "yes it is! Tiger can do it..." Moses say's "o.k." ..... so Jesus hit's his ball. It falls way short and goes in the drink. Moses say's, "told you it wasn't enough club". Jesus replies, "but Tiger can do it, so can I." Jesus tries 2 more times with the same results. He starts to walk across the water, and here comes the foursome behind them. One of them says to Moses, "who does that guy think he is... Jesus?" Moses replies, "No! Tiger Woods." |
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Golf In Heaven
Two
ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. It seems
that Sam is dying of cancer, and Moe comes to visit him every day.
"Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved golf all
our lives, and how we played golf together for so many years. Sam, you have to
do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven,
somehow you've got to let me know if there's golf in Heaven."
Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, you've been my best
friend many years. This favor, if it is at all possible, I'll do for you."
And shortly after that, Sam passes on.
It is midnight a couple of nights later. Moe is sound asleep when he is awakened
by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him,
"Moe.... Moe...."
"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Moe, it's me, Sam."
"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died."
" I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!"
"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"
"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got
really good news and a little bad news."
So, tell me the good news first," says Moe.
"The good news," says Sam "is that there is golf in heaven.
Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there. Better yet,
it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can
play golf all we want, and we never get tired!"
"Really?" says Moe, "That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my
wildest dreams! But, what's the bad news?"
"You're in my foursome next Tuesday."
Golf Joke Quickies
A gushy reporter told Jack Nicklaus, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"
Nicklaus replied, "The holes are numbered."
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A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole my son?"
The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"
The priest say, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."
The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.
The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."
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An American went to Scotland and played golf with a newly acquainted Scottish golfer. After a bad tee shot, he played a "Mulligan" which was an extremely good one. He then asked the Scot, "What do you call a Mulligan in Scotland?"
"We call it hitting 3."
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Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"
"Yes," says the woman.
"Did you hit him with that golf club?"
Yes, yes I did!" The woman begins to sob, drops the club and puts her hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times......just put me down for a five."
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A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him. As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer", to which the man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"
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The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?"
He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"
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Click To Enlarge
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The Game Of Golf
Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.
Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.
Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls. If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.
Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.
The term 'mulligan' is really a contraction of the phrase 'maul it again.' A 'gimme' can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers ... neither of whom can putt very well.
An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.
Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink. If your best shots are the practice swing and the 'gimme putt', you might wish to reconsider this game.
Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.
Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work , and both are expensive.
The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.
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THE OLD GOLFER
Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since he retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."
"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight".
"Where did it go?" says Arthur.
"I don't remember."
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Proud To Be A Golfer
A recent study found the average American golfer walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found American golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means, on average, American golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind of makes you proud.
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An Ode To Golf
In my hand I hold a ball...
White and dimpled, rather small.
Oh, how bland it does appear...
This harmless looking little sphere.
By its size I could not guess...
The awesome strength it does possess.
But since I fell beneath it's spell...
I've wandered through the fires of hell.
My life has not been quite the same...
Since I chose to play this stupid game.
It rules my mind for hours on end...
A fortune it has made me spend.
It has made me swear and yell and cry...
I hate myself and want to die.
It promises a thing called par...
If I can hit it straight and far.
To master such a tiny ball...
Should not be very hard at all.
But my desires the ball refuses...
And does exactly like it chooses.
It hooks and slices, dribbles and dies...
And even disappears before my eyes.
Often it will take a whim...
To hit a tree or take a swim.
With miles of grass on which to land...
It finds a tiny patch of sand.
Then has me offering up my soul...
If only it would find the hole.
It's made me whimper like a pup...
And swear that I will give it up.
And take a drink to ease my sorrow...
But the ball well know, I'll be back tomorrow!!!!
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(Click to enlarge)
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The Golf Nut
Ed and Dorothy met while on vacation, and Ed fell head over
heels in
love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to
dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the
relationship.
"It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," Ed said to his
lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's a problem,
you'd better say so now."
Dorothy responded, "If we're being honest with each other, here goes.
. . . . . I'm a hooker."
"I see," Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment. Then he added,
"You
know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when
you tee off."
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Manure... A True StoryManure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane. Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T." (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day. You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I. I had always thought it was a golf term. |
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Four very old retired gentlemen came into the Club pro shop after playing
18 holes of golf. They were a bit
exhausted.
The pro asked, "Did you guys have a good game today?"
The first old feller said, "Oh, I had three riders today."
The second bent over guy said, "I had the most riders ever. I had five."
The third old man said, "I did about the same. I had 7 riders, the
same as last time."
The last ancient sport said, "I beat my old record. I had 12 riders
today. Aren't you fellers proud of me?"
After they went into the men's locker room, an elderly lady club member
that had heard the old gents telling
of their game went to the pro and said, "I have been playing golf
here for 40 years and thought I knew all
the terminology of the game..... But what in the world is a
rider?"
The pro said, "A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to get
in the golf cart and ride to it."
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In 1923, Who Was:
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days.
Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us if we know what ultimately became of them.
The Answers:
1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.
However: in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament,
The US Open, was Gene Sarazen. What became of him?
He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the
age of 95.
He was financially secure at the time of his death.
The Moral:
Screw work. ~ Play golf.
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A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15
years of marriage. The
counselor asks them what the problem is and the
wife goes into a tirade
listing every problem they have ever had in the
15 years they've been
married. She goes on and on and on.
Finally, the counselor gets up, walks around the
desk, embraces the wife
and kisses her passionately.
The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.
The counselor turns to the husband and says, "This is what your wife
needs at least three times a week. Can you do
this?"
The husband thinks for a moment and replies,
"Well, I can drop her off
here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays,
I golf."
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The
man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in a real hurry.! I have two buddies
sitting out in my
car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull
the tooth and be done with it. We have a
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave
man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the
pain." So the dentist ask him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show
him."
10...A
below par performance
is considered damn good.
#9...You
can stop in the middle
and have a cheeseburger
and a couple of beers.
#8...It's
much easier to
find the sweet spot.
#7...Foursomes
are encouraged.
#6...You
can still make money
doing it as a senior.
#5...Three
times a day is possible.
#4...Your
partner doesn't hire
a lawyer if you play
with someone else.
#3...If
you live in Florida, you
can do it almost everyday.
#2...You
don't have to cuddle
with your partner when
you're finished.
And
the number one reason why
golf is better than sex.....
#1...If
your equipment gets old
and rusty, you can replace it!
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To celebrate 50 years of marriage, a
couple booked a weekend at St. Andrews.
On the third tee, the husband said,
"Darling, I have to confess something. Twenty years ago I had a brief
affair. It meant nothing. I hope that you can forgive me."
His wife was hurt but said,
"Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable.
I forgive you."
They embraced and kissed.
On the seventeenth tee the wife said to
her husband, "Darling, since we're being honest with each other, I have
something to tell you. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change operation, I was a
man before we met."
The husband threw a fit! He cursed, threw his driver away, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, tore at his clothes, screamed and ranted, "You liar, you despicable cheat--how could you? I trusted you. I can't believe you've been playing off from the ladies' tee ALL THESE YEARS!
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