~ TeeTalk Newsletter ~

Tee Ticklers . . .

~ Spring Issue 2008 ~

An Ode To Golf

In my hand I hold a ball...

White and dimpled, rather small.

Oh, how bland it does appear...

This harmless looking little sphere.

By its size I could not guess...

The awesome strength it does possess.

But since I fell beneath it's spell...

I've wandered through the fires of hell.

My life has not been quite the same...

Since I chose to play this stupid game.

It rules my mind for hours on end...

A fortune it has made me spend.

It has made me swear and yell and cry...

I hate myself and want to die.

It promises a thing called par...

If I can hit it straight and far.

To master such a tiny ball...

Should not be very hard at all.

But my desires the ball refuses...

And does exactly like it chooses.

It hooks and slices, dribbles and dies...

And even disappears before my eyes.

Often it will take a whim...

To hit a tree or take a swim.

With miles of grass on which to land...

It finds a tiny patch of sand.

Then has me offering up my soul...

If only it would find the hole.

It's made me whimper like a pup...

And swear that I will give it up.

And take a drink to ease my sorrow...

But the ball well know, I'll be back tomorrow!!!!

***********************************

Proud To Be A Golfer

A recent study found the average American golfer walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found American golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

That means, on average, American golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind of makes you proud.

***********************************

THE OLD GOLFER

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since he retirement 25 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight".

"Where did it go?" says Arthur.

"I don't remember."

***********************************

The game of Golf

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.

Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.

Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls. If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.

Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.

The term 'mulligan' is really a contraction of the phrase 'maul it again.' A 'gimme' can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers ... neither of whom can putt very well.

An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.

Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink. If your best shots are the practice swing and the 'gimme putt', you might wish to reconsider this game.

Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work , and both are expensive.

The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.

***********************************

American golfers

A recent study found the average American golfer walks

about 900 miles a Year.

Another study found American golfers drink, on average,

22 gallons of beer a Year.

That means, on average, American golfers get about

41 miles to the gallon.

Kind Of Makes You Proud.